Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Y'all I'm moving in a week! I'm excited and ready for this change.

It's easier to attack a person's character than to admit your own mistakes, but I'm doing my best to not let anyone else decide my worth. It's easier said than done, but I'm trying. 

onslaught of rock pics

The first thing that made me want to come to Vietnam was Halong Bay. I'd seen photos and knew I needed to see it in person. Even with a migraine, it did not disappoint. I'd prepared myself for the masses of people and boats there, but honestly that in itself was kind of cool. It was less cool when I was off the boat, looking around the beach and cave that every boat stops at. But when I was on my boat, with just 20 other passengers, it was cool seeing all of the boats. It was amazing to me that they didn't crash into each other because they came extremely close, much like the streets here.

My room on the V'Spirit Classic 

Each day around 12:30 the boats load up with a new group of passengers and head out

 The cruise was basically 2 days of this. They had some very canned cruise like activities (such as a "cooking class" that was just watching their "chef" make a bird out of pieces of radish, then rolling some precut ingredients into a spring roll), but mostly all I wanted to do was sit on the top deck of the boat and look at rocks. 

 Once we anchored for the night, these women appeared from no where, in tiny not sea worthy boats full of stuff, they'd come up to the big boats and beg the passengers to "buy something please." I saw one woman who had her very small child sitting under her feet. I almost bought something from her because it broke my heart

 Boats boats and more boats

It seemed like a dream

Hmm...this photo is almost identical to the one above it, but I'm going to leave it anyway 

 The dining room on the boat. I was at a table with a South African couple and two German guys. The meals were mostly seafood, which isn't my favorite, and still isn't. But I ate a lot of it on this trip. 

More rocks

 One of the places we stopped at was a cave. It was cool, except I always get a bit freaked out in a cave. I believe this comes from an episode of the Andy Griffith Show that I watched as a child, where Andy and Helen are in a cave when it collapses, trapping them inside. 

a gem

I'm in Hoian. This was the stop on my trip I wasn't sure about. I knew I wanted to see Halong Bay and I knew I wanted to see some of the Vietnam War stuff around Saigon. I read about a couple of different cities to visit, and decided on Hoian. And that decision gets two thumbs up because Hoian is an absolute treasure. It's full of tourists, but even with the hoards of people, its history and charm are not lost.

Hoian is on the coast, and while the beach is two miles up the road, the entire city has a beach feel and an ocean smell. 

 There is a lot of Chinese and Japanese influence in the buildings. I don't know much about Japanese architecture, as my time in Japan is limited to an overnight layover at a hotel near the Tokyo airport. But the Chinese influence was very obvious. Hoian is cool because unlike a lot of other cities in Vietnam, it was more or less untouched (thanks to cooperation from both sides) during the Vietnam War, or the American War as they call it here. So the center of the city is full of historic buildings

I need to read up on the significance of them and how it started, but Hoian is filled with lanterns

Kind of a repeat of the earlier photo, but c'mon now. This city is beautiful

One of Hoian's main attraction are the old homes. You pay about $6 for an admission ticket that gets you into the old part of the city. Then with that ticket you are given access to 5 of Hoian's old buildings, which include several private homes that are still lived in by the original families. It was a tad strange to think that these people are still living there and there are hundreds of tourists marching through their houses every day, but I never turn down the opportunity to look in someone else's house, so I liked it so much I bought two tickets so that I could go into ten old buildings

The two greatest words in the human language are "food tour" and this one did not disappoint. We started with this bahn mi

 At night there are giant illuminated statues (lanterns? no clue). I don't know the significance but they are pretty 

Tomorrow morning I am headed up to Hanoi, and Thursday I am going to Halong Bay. I read that as of Sunday, they no longer allow kayaking around the Bay, which is the biggest bummer of my year. But I am still excited. 

Good Morning Vietnam!

I couldn't make it through this whole trip without saying that at least once. I'm surprised I made it this long.

But Vietnam is amazing so far!

Ignoring the "I hope there's not any scorpions or snakes in here" face I'm making, this was climbing in one of the entrances of the Cu Chi Tunnels. The guide said Cu Chi was 95% communist, despite being Southern Vietnam, and the whole thing was very anti American. 

Another entrance. These holes were covered with lids and leaves, and all but impossible to find 

Our guide said killing Americans brought a lot of pride to the people in Cu Chi. They are very proud of destroying this American tank

Inside the tunnel. It was hot, and unbelievably cramped. I had to hunch over to walk through. Some of the taller guys in my group had to walk through on their knees. I can't imagine there being thousands of people hiding down here. No thank you. Three of the seven people in our group didn't make it through this part of the tour. They freaked and had to go back. It was creepy and freak out inducing.  

I tried my hand at making rice paper. I sucked at it. 

I visited a rubber tree plantation

 A family's vegetable garden

 I always said insects were the one food I wouldn't try. But I finally did yesterday. I visited a cricket farm, and they gave us fried crickets after the tour. We turned them into spring rolls. They didn't taste like much because the other ingredients in the spring rolls were so flavorful, but they definitely had a texture. I could feel the ridges of their abdomens on my tongue, and the little hairs on its legs, and I was done. Check that off the list and never again. 

 I'd read that the streets here were insane, and that was no lie. I've never seen anything that comes close to this level of crazy, except maybe the streets in India. This photo doesn't do it justice, but there are motorbikes everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I don't know how I haven't seen an accident yet because much like India, there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to the traffic movement. If your motorbike fits, it's legal. I did ride one to and from dinner yesterday. Motorbikes are an option for Uber here, and I felt like I hadn't experience Saigon unless I'd ridden on a motorbike. It was terrifying. But what would have easily have been a $15 cab ride at home was 50 cents on the back of some guy's motorbike. 

The Saigon River in the morning

I took a 1.5 hour boat ride to get to the Cu Chi Tunnels. It was gorgeous. There is a lot of green in this country. 

That's pretty much it from day 1. I'm flying out in a few hours to go to Hoian, in central Vietnam. The weather is HOT. The coffee is amazing. The food is amazing. So far I only wish that I was staying here longer, otherwise all is good. 

Regrets? 0

A few weeks ago, I turned 34. That is almost halfway to 70. 15 years ago, if someone asked me where I'd be when I was 34, I would have replied that I'd have several years under my belt in a career that I love and maybe a kid or two. Obviously, that is not the case.

I do not regret for a second the choices that I have made. I do not regret for a second the experiences I've had. I'm 34 and I have been to Paris more times than I can count (yet it never ceases to take my breath away). I've slept in a tent in the Sahara Desert. I've fought back tears at the American Cemetery in Normandy. I've walked on the Great Wall of China. I've shoveled elephant poop in Thailand. I've ridden in a hot air balloon over Cappadocia. I've seen funeral pyres burning on the banks of the Ganges. I've gawked at Mohamed Al-Fayed in Harrods. I've been to the 38th parallel and looked into North Korea's fake city. When I'm in a place far from home, looking at something so amazing that it doesn't feel real, I have to stop and catch my breath and ask myself what I did in my life that brought me there. I felt it driving though the Atlas Mountains. I felt it watching the sunset at Monsoon Palace. I felt it sitting on the beach in Malaga. I've never done any type of drugs, but it's not possible that the high is better than that feeling.

However, now I am 34 and looking for entry level jobs. My fellow 34 year old friends all have well established careers, homes, and their own families, while I am competing with 22 year olds for jobs and hoping I have enough money to pay rent while working as a nanny. No regrets, but my current situation in life is somewhat demoralizing. This week I accepted a job as an assistant teacher in a Montessori school on the north side of the city. I'm excited for this change. It is a step in a careerish direction. The money is not great for a 34 year old. The commute will be longer than I'd like. I'll have to get a summer job. But again, I'm 34 with no real work experience. Beggars can't be choosers. This is important experience and I am excited. Whether or not it turns into a career remains TBD. Truthfully, my only real aspiration in life is to travel as much as possible.

Also, if Americans could stop shooting each other, that'd be great. Seriously guys, stop.

Also, I spilled ice cream on my keyboard while writing this. It's possible I licked it off. #adult

hashtag goals

Each week, I try to give myself goals, things to work on/improve upon/get done, etc. Recently, one of my main goals has been to get over my anger towards Becky (if you are unsure of who Becky is, please see my other blog). While everything I've read has said this anger is normal, living each day with the fantasy of pushing someone into traffic isn't healthy for my emotional wellbeing. I'd like to get over it sooner rather than later. My counselor has given me some books to read, which have been helping. I've also been turning to the great and powerful Google, as always.

One thing every article on the subject states is that the anger towards the other woman isn't necessarily fair because the other woman didn't owe you anything. This doesn't sit well with me. Since when did making a decision that hurts someone else become okay if that person doesn't owe you anything? For example, I've always wondered what it would be like to slash someone's tires. In my head, each tire would give a satisfying pop and quickly deflate. So if I pick a random car tonight and slash its tires, is it okay because the owner of the car doesn't owe me anything (legality aside, of course)? No. Is it okay because I've secretly always been curious and I know I'd get a strange satisfaction from it? Nope, still not okay. If I slashed someone's tires, that person would have every right to be angry at me, even though I didn't owe them anything. I should say no to slashing their tires because it's the decent thing to do. People should never make decisions based on someone owing them something. So argument one was a no go for me.

Another thing I've read is to ask yourself what the anger accomplishes. This one has actually helped me. Because the answer is obviously nothing. Becky is not a part of my life. I will never get the chance to discuss my anger with her. So the only thing my anger does is give me anxiety, which of course only hurts me.

I also read to start doing an exercise of some sort when you think of something you shouldn't. So I've started doing a variety of planks when my mind starts tormenting me with thoughts of anger or the two of them together. This has helped...my abs become the strongest they've ever been.

Ideally of course the ultimate goal would be forgiveness. Forgiveness has been a challenge for me, as Becky was completely unapologetic when I contacted her. She seemed to think she had done nothing wrong, asked me not to judge her, and said that we had "both been played." Uh huh. Cute. She knew full well about me when she made the choices that she did, and at no point in those 2.5 months did she ever insist they had to wait/stop until he was single. That's not being played. I have a word to describe what that is, but in the interest of taking the high road, I'll keep it to myself. It's hard to forgive when the person isn't the least bit sorry. I know I must though. Forgiveness isn't about her feelings or to help her. It's about my needs and what is best for me. So I'm working on it.

My therapist keeps telling me it's okay to be angry and it just takes time. Since she is the smartest person I've ever met, I have to believe she is correct on that one. It's frustrating because I've always been someone who likes a quick fix, but I know as time passes, I'm starting to spend more time up than down.

I ain't sorry

Current Mood: Lemonade

Airing dirty laundry vs the brutal truth: the lines get blurred. If you are not into reading about my dirty laundry, don't read my blog. I'm just kidding of course, who doesn't like reading about other people's problems? This blog has seen me through some tough times. It's like therapy, only free! No one really reads this anymore anyway. Remember when this started as a travel blog?
But at any rate, what I want to write about today is of the more personal nature, so I will be putting it in the blog I started/abandoned two years ago following the Cold War. If you still have that address, feel free to read it. If you don't have the address, feel free to ask me. I have no problem sharing my secrets with people I know. But I'd prefer that the random people who know this address don't know my personal stories. So, ask if you want it. But please don't share the address.